her closet....

have you ever forgotten what you wanted to blog about in the time span of turning on your computer turning off your aim and waitng for shit to churn up????



i do---all the time...could be that i've had a drink and was watching friends at the time and i got side tracked..now im trying to sift thu my brain files trying to pick the right melian folder....eeeeeeeeee.




all i know is, that i was down today...even when i got message from someone i have been wanting to talk to for a few days now...the situation is what i want to talk about but i need somthing to trigger that moment again...it will come back.

*note: started this one on another entry...






but that isnt where i was going with this entry.....i wanna talk about sexuality.

im honing on mines forealz.....more like excepting that i'm sexy and can be sexy and intelligent...

^^^this ideal in its self, i had been fighting with myself for years. a friend of mine and i had a HUGE argument about me and my sexuality...(i eventually deleted him from my friends list...the heat of the moment-is my motto)


he said...
you start to freak out when it comes to sex, yet....everything that you talk about have sexual undertones...that you don't take hold to.


me thinking...
(could be...but shy and insecure much so ...even at 34)


he said...
why are you fighting it though? you act like your afraid or embarrassed of it...you know you like it

me...
i know but...i have had trouble in my past....


i'm..... okay with my passed

that's what happen to me......went blank...and i got all weird and shit???


felt like i had teleported right back to high school with my goofy ass shyness...ugh? or like i had fell into some shit that would only happen in some hugh grant flick...you know the one where shes head over heels for some dude but ends up doing the stupidest things around him that leads her to utter and total embarrassment (and then the crowd laughs) sigh*.....



i hate that it happened...and it was so uncontrollable....which i hated even more.



my shyness tends to come into play w/ intimidation or newness(....which i like newness??...that's the odd thing???).....i mean what is it that intimidates me so much with him?...is it that he listens? or maybe its because it has been awhile for me? i mean how can you negotiate and communicate on a everyday basis to nobody's, but when someone comes along that your feelin....you tweak the hell out(tick! duh..).....that shits embarrassing...grrr...lol. how do you come back from that shit?..... "if" you can? lol...i guess its up to that person, you know? if they liked you they like you and if thy didn't they didnt...


or maybe we were meant to be just friends. (and im cool with that too).



but...hey...i never said i was perfect....


....just quirky like that
gotta love me!


♥imma ♥beautiful ♥fuckin ♥mess...lol

Labels: ...watching the holiday, my cancer rising talking

i wanna talk more about the first dude i met on line...


there is some mental shit that goes on when meeting people online....you kinda go in your head a lil bit and sometimes you'll be thinking one thing when in actually it's another......like paranoia after smokin a spliff...lol


i met this guy through myspace(who hasn't) and i can't remember what trail i went thru to click on his page....maybe j davey??? ( i like her, she speaks my language) all i know is that i liked his page and what he was typin about. so i clicked that infamous botton, not thinking that he was going to immediately respond back....w/....you have good taste and i have a big crush on j davey--cuz thats what was playin on my page at the time and soooo me being the person that i am i totally thought he was talking about how good my page looked and all, when in actuality i think he was talking about himself and that i have great taste in wanting to be add as a friend..lol. anyway--we bof have good taste..damnit....lol.....


i only chatted with him for a month or so...and usually i was the one that had to come to him cuz i wouldn't get responds back thinking he was shy....when in actuality he had sooo many chicks spittin at em that he didn't know how to handle it (but who would?lol.)


but you know what????...... that shit could happen when they are staring you dead in you face....?!?!?and you live a block away.(miss understandings that is....)


its in my nature to want to test things out try new approaches on things. so now i have meet someone else...a lot different that the first but some things still hold true (myspace, myspace, myspace....the death of the dating scene)
note: two of my friends have meet and going to go see some dude that they have met on line...eeeee.



unfinsihed thoughts #1........be continued

they finally have the drywall in and spackling at this point...

my dad is a builder to the heart. whenever he saw ANY type of construction being done he'd slow the car down cock his head out of the window squinting above his glasses just to get a good look at things...time was never an issue with him...sometimes he would pull over to look into the peep holes just to get a better look and explain to me why the concrete has to be level for ground work.....

and so now its an unconscious habit of mine to see how far buildings have come....thanks dad...

i drive by this building everyday (to doors down from where i live...) this is why i moved to this area, this shit has got my eye...they are revamping this 50/60 loft/ apartment complex and i love it...i got a two year contract in phoenix....maybe i'll move there in nov....

.....and im afraid i would have set myself up for failure.

a couple of past post i had been gripping about "my routine" with men and how i will always choose the most unavailable ones as stated in my "close pussy" entry yes, yes, yes...shits right vibes tight yada yada yada...and i also gotta a problem with the too's......-too far and too young... sHYiT. so get this---i have done myself one up this time...this ones +girl....go figer.lol?

even though we are miles away i feel like he's kinda feelin me as much as im feelin him...i mean he seems like hes very interested in what going on in head and wants to know about me as well as i him? he has every quality that i like in a man and could pretty well much say that if he didnt have a girl i'd prolly wanna get even closer.

it all could be because it's a new person, a new thing....he's infatuated, like me. i dont know?

i wanna play the game...i could played it forever, i loved it. but jumping back to reality....hes not the one that would get hurt, I AM....he's not going to leave is girl for me.

age has nothing to do with it (if anything...i think he likes that) ..... distance maybe?

...he's perfect...from the way he writes, speaks, his inner qualities, his stance, and the way that he rocked shit .....is all on point.....he's my speed. but i'm getting worried rent will be due soon.

i dont know what is with me and the youtube videos but this one just made me cry...(adriming/seeing something that you just can't touch..)

i get like that from time to, to time.